Five Minutes

"Ma'am, I'm here today to talk to you about your service with AT&T.  Our records show that you're a customer with us.  Is that right?"  He was obviously a new employee and was still nervous talking about his sales pitch.  When I told him that yes, I was a customer and was happy with my service, I could see it put him at ease and that he was now much more comfortable talking with me.  That ease and comfort lasted for about another two minutes, until I realized that I had again fallen victim to my "five minute rule" and had to interrupt him.

What is the five minute rule?  Well, a long time ago I realized that I don't wake up well.  If I am sleeping in and I wake up naturally, that's one thing.  But if I'm startled out of my sleep, it seems to take my brain about five minutes to sort everything out.  I can walk around, get dressed, even take the dog outside for a walk during that time; but I can't talk.  That is, not if I want anything coherent or helpful to come out of my mouth.  

The first time I noticed this was at a sleepover.  My sister, my best friend, and I were watching a movie together.  I had just gotten off work and was exhausted, so I started dozing off towards the end of the movie.  Their laughter startled me awake, and when I got mad and protested that I was in fact, only "resting my eyes", they asked me what they were talking about.  I had actually heard most of the conversation, so I opened my mouth to repeat what had been said, only to utter the words: "Buns and dogs."  (I had been slicing and packaging hot dog buns at work all night.)  

The second time I noticed this is probably the best example.  I had been going through a little bout of insomnia, and after five days of only sleeping for four hours at a time, I had finally managed to fall asleep at a decent hour.  What seemed like only minutes later, I was woken up by my dad.  "Kate, Kate.  Wake up!"  I was really angry and was going to yell at him until he said, "The sheriff wants to talk to you."  Now, at this point my poor brain was on overload.  Not only was I startled awake, I was jarred out of some of the only restful moments I'd had in days.  Within those first five minutes the cop asked, "Where were you driving your white car tonight?"  Within those first five minutes I replied, "I didn't drive anywhere tonight.  But talk to my sister, she drives a white car."  Didn't even try to talk about where I had been that day or where I had gone, I just said the first thing that came to mind and shifted blame to my sister.

There have been a few little funny incidences here and there over the last few years, but I've had some very interesting experiences over the last few weeks.  About a month ago, after a long morning filled with shopping, rearranging furniture, and cooking, I decided to lie down and take a nap.  All was well until I woke up to the dog barking.  Cooper never, ever barks, so to hear him barking and growling is always a little unsettling.  After the stranger introduced themselves, I opened the door.  He asked me how I liked my service with AT&T.  He was obviously pleased as I heaped praises on his company and their superior internet service.  About halfway through the conversation, the five minute mark passed.  All of the sudden it clicked in my head: "Wait, you're with AT&T?  Oh, I have Time Warner."  He seemed a little hurt, like I had done that on purpose just to mess with him.  I promised him several times that I hadn't!

I hate, hate, hate shopping in stores around Christmas.  So this year, in an attempt to help kill small businesses everywhere, I shopped with Amazon.  This meant lots of visits from the UPS guy, who always seemed to stop on the days when I was exhausted and catching a short siesta right after work.  Three times he stopped when I was napping, and three times I thought I got up peacefully, locked up the dog, and signed for my packages.  In reality, three times I woke up with a start, wrangled the dog into the bedroom in loud fashion(accidentally pulling him too hard once and making him yelp), and stumbled to the door.  The first time I signed my name properly, the second I scribbled my name on the screen, and the third time the driver just tossed the package up against the door and yelled "UPS!" before darting back off to the truck.  I'd like to think he was just in a holiday rush, but I really think he was just wanting to avoid the mess that is me after I wake up.

In any case, if I had made myself a New Year's Resolution I would have tried to find one that would help me be less of a monster for those five minutes.  We'll have to see if I can work that one out!